| Ecarnomy |
[07 Jul 2009|07:12pm] |
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If an engine needs four quarts of oil, you should give it four quarts of oil. The Republicans say no, it should be given only one quart, because that is more fiscally responsible. Democrats, not wanting to upset the Republicans despite their filibuster-proof majority, decide to settle on 2.5 quarts. Then, when the engine seizes, Republicans will blame the Democrats for suggesting that the engine needs oil and swear that Reagan could have made it run without any oil at all, despite the fact that Reagan would have put five quarts of oil in the damn thing and mounted a rocket launcher on the roof.
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| That'll show 'em. |
[26 May 2009|02:07pm] |
I got an email from some activist group or another today with a subject line that sums up exactly what's been wrong with liberalism in America for as long as I've been alive:
"Court upholds ban on gay marriage - fight back with a free sticker."
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| Mustard Ass |
[08 May 2009|11:32pm] |
Let me tell you all something. I love Dijon mustard, especially on hot dogs. This is hardly surprising considering how much of a liberal elitist I am. The problem is that it's always so damn hard to get. I go to the grocery store and ask "Excuse me, where can I find the Dijon mustard?" You know what they do? They LAUGH IN MY FACE and tell me to get the fuck out. I have to either drive two hours out of my way to an outrageously expensive condiment boutique on Cape Cod or have it specially delivered from the south of France. Obama may be used to getting his caviar and Dijon mustard at a moment's notice, but his lifelong ivory tower trappings have sheltered him from the real world. You'll notice that the person taking Obama's order displays the kind of stunned silence one would have if Obama had asked for a unicorn steak. As one of the lucky few who have even laid eyes on a bottle of Dijon mustard, I wonder if the poor counter-jockey even knew what it WAS. Fortunately, the muckrakers are out in full force, blowing a hole straight trough the compliance of the MSM and explain that it's downright strange and possibly un-American to order a burger without ketchup. (We all know how much conservatives loathe Texans, who traditionally eat mustard-only burgers.) In fact, the realest of Real Americans make their own ketchup in their yards by mashing possum tails. The courageous pundits also explain to the confused masses just WHAT this rare, elitist sauce known as "Dijon mustard" actually IS. The answer, of course, is Grey Poupon. Grey Poupon, the only Dijon mustard in existence, which long ago taunted average Americans with television spots featuring the two wealthiest Jews in Europe trading subtle pleads and taunts from the comfort of their Rolls-Royces. The laughable claim of it being "affordable" was nothing more than a giant middle finger to the bottom 99.2% of Americans. Honestly, if a man in a car that costs more than your house has to chase a wealthier man in a more expensive car just to beg for a dollop of his MUSTARD, how the hell do you think YOU'LL be able to afford a jar for yourself, much less find one?
My friends, this is the gaffe to end all gaffes. Forget "I'm not a crook," forget "Read my lips," forget "I did not have sexual relations," and "Mission Accomplished," because this blows them all out of the water.
In short, Obama is doomed.
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| Cadbury Scream |
[05 May 2009|11:29pm] |
The other night Kelsey was reading some ridiculous Craigslist ads out loud to me and a couple of other people and I posted this in the W4M section just for laffs:
I really like cadbury eggs but since easter ended they aren't in stores anymore so if you have a stockpile of cadbury eggs you should come over to my house and feed them to me. Baby.
I expected to get a couple of replies, but what I didn't expect was the goddamn inundation of them. It started off as amusing but eventually just made me hate my own gender. It was up for less than a day and got more than 40 goddamn responses.
( You want to read them? Fine, go ahead. )
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| I can still be surprised |
[21 Apr 2009|09:05am] |
The Bush administration approved torture. Of preteen children. With INSECTS.
This sounds like something a fucking comic book villain would do, except most comic book villains wouldn't even be that messed up.
I just... wow. It's like every time you learn some horrific new aspect about these people you're shocked and think "well, they can't possibly do worse than THIS." And then two weeks later you find out they FUCKING DID. At this rate by this time next year someone's going to release a video of George W. Bush personally throwing a litter of kittens into a burlap sack and then bashing it with a crucifix on Abraham Lincoln's grave, then pissing into the pool of blood and lamenting "Too bad we can't take care of the niggers like this!" after snorting three lines of cocaine.
Then, even after this, we'll have to watch several pundits on five networks agree that everyone makes mistakes and that we should forgive him because it wasn't really THAT bad and at least he didn't raise taxes on rich people.
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| Journalism pet peeve |
[19 Apr 2009|03:17pm] |
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It seems like just about article I read begins with something completely unrelated to the subject, then the writer ties it in to the subject, then talks about the subject for the rest of the article and "cleverly" references the thing mentioned at the beginning to close the article.
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| Stuff White People Like |
[16 Apr 2009|12:24am] |
Well, the insane ones anyway.
"I remember protesting the Iraq War in 2003 before the invasion. I was in Washington, DC and had never seen so many people in one place before. Protests against our insane government were occurring all over the planet on that day--in some overseas cities a million people showed up.
There wasn't a single network promoting these events around the clock. In fact, I can't recall a single cable news host that was even sympathetic in those days--except Phil Donahue, whose show was canceled despite being the top rated program on MSNBC. There was no major funding and promotion from interest groups in Washington. There wasn't very much support from the Democratic Party, many of whom supported that bloody debacle.
If that many people descended on Washington today for a Tea Party Protest, conservative lawmakers would be trampling each other to get in front of the crowds and cameras.
I think Dennis Kucinich showed up at the one I was at."
--Matt Bors
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[12 Apr 2009|06:43am] |
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| NOM NOM NOM |
[10 Apr 2009|06:42am] |
The Original:
My Response:
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| Dear everyone who reads this |
[14 Mar 2009|04:09pm] |
What are your thoughts on someone who gets engaged after one or two weeks of dating?
Leave a comment.
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| Where's my Rolls-Royce? |
[11 Mar 2009|02:30am] |
Many people in my generation are spending more and more of their paychecks on frivolities. Video games, large TVs, fancy cellphones, etc.
They would do well to take the sage advice given to me yesterday night by miss Rose Kowalski.
"You can't ride to work on a glass fountain."
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| Lift some weights. Eat some steak. |
[01 Mar 2009|01:37pm] |
Back in January I got a Twitter account because liking a girl makes you do stupid things.
Fast forward to a couple of days ago when I discovered that XZIBIT has a fucking Twitter account. Then this happened:
I just checked and it was gone. Today I grammar-nazi'd XZIBIT into deleting his own Twitter post.
I'm not sure how I could have possibly kicked this month off better.
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[25 Feb 2009|12:22am] |
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I unplugged the surround sound system's sub-woofer because I was tired of things falling off my wall every time somebody watched a sitcom.
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excusemesenator's journal